February 2012
1 post
I bid on a pair of shoes on ebay and afterwards...
January 2012
2 posts
Eat oranges.
Steady fades
I’m living life in the slow lane, vapid and vegetating. The less I use my body the more it feels like my head is independent and will soon float away in the wind, leaving the rest of me behind to perish, and be pecked at by birds.
December 2011
1 post
August 2011
1 post
A formal non-postal address to a worldwide...
Greetings, Earth.
After a long period away roaming the open autobahns of the free world and dog faces, I’ve returned several library books and processed a multitude of exotic meats. My face is wreaking an ungodly stench but my sweet peas look a treat from the bay window.
Sometimes the son rises far too quickly in mourning the passing of time. His jaded leaves and their timely wilting....
May 2011
1 post
More plump hens/Plump of moorhens.
Teddy bear with an eye hanging out by a thread. Yeh that’s life, that’s a life right there.Bloody eye hanging out - bitta string. That’s pretty much it. Unstuff it, peel its face off and stick it in the washing machine, out of sight until it’s been cleaned. Dry its outer in the back room and examine its eye between your finger and thumb - “I should probably fix...
March 2011
1 post
An understanding of contemporary attitudes towards...
Do you sense sheep?
Run Thomas! Run! For they are coming!
(pause)
The sheep are closer now
January 2011
2 posts
Memo #5 - Standards of strawberry motion
Hearing his mother cry out “the butchering could wait.” Hearing his mother cry out, the butchering could wait. A hasty ingestion of cereal and he was away to the night but more importantly, to the rescue. The price of meat had just gone up and my old lady had just gone down. The goat was being fed though no score was accepted. Yes the corruption had returned and the door was still...
Memo #4
It was about 5 and Timothy Berners-Lee was having marital problems. At the same time my own wife was resting by a lampost. Whilst resting, another wife, in another country was picking up a crab on a beach. Roger Taylor’s wife was also resting but in a different location and actually propped up against a sort of unconventional, mildly aggressive hat stand. Not to be out done Shaun...
December 2010
5 posts
Memo #3
After our cross country exploits (literally) around eastern Europe our tattered suits were looking a bit worse for wear. We popped into a delightful tailors in the upmarket part of Gali. Whilst my inner leg was being measured, a comforting smile came across the face of Mike, something I’d become familiar with throughout our perils. He had a warming glow about him, but as the tailor would...
Memo #2
Mike Spalding came into my life this week. Young man, great arse. He had a strange tan but this didn’t affect his impact on the ambiance of a room. Sure, he was flambouyant, but who could deny affection for such charming eccentricity? To set the scene we were meeting somewhere around the Czech-Austrian border after a busy business schedule in Russia, where we’d seen a man about a dog....
Memo #1
A clash with Mr Grapefruit Drink has yielded yet more in the way of lead filled wooden writing implements. There’s pencils everywhere. I’m often left wondering when will he learn? Will he ever see the benefits of biro? That aside the week has been steady with little joy regarding the quest for dignity/social adequacy. I was made aware of a sexy referencing scheme with much innuendo...
“Anger he smiles tow’ring shiny metallic purple armour.
Queen jealousy,...”
– Jimi Hendix - Bold as Love.
Dream
of that existential moment.
October 2010
1 post
With his Hands, Arp the Jean Arc.
Pleasantries over with attention was turned over and over and tossed. Listed painstakingly in bored key throats, his majesty resided in Fladengby castle with trousers so short that the dovetails at the perpendicular were excited by the above-the-knee flesh available to all seeking enlightenment from its aura.
Gape in throat cleared, words ejected; “Honey combed hair was the rage, anger...
August 2010
1 post
Lullaby.
July 2010
1 post
Henry the 8th and his processed meats.
“What is your name?” Asked Mr Zaglanikis. “Monsieur S J willow Walton,” he retorted in an exaggerated mock french accent. “And I’d like to join your organisation.” He casually moved towards the looming wardrobe, trailing his finger along the wall and keeping constant eye contact with he who questioned. “Mr Walton, what are you doing?” ...
June 2010
1 post
The Ian Browne song
May 2010
1 post
Just a bit of something i’ve been working...
April 2010
1 post
March 2010
3 posts
stechin
Most of the time most of the people were mostly the most.
Post of the time was regarded as a revolutionary communication system.
Roast of the time was Lamb; the meat was under the fat.
Thyme of the lamb was a different matter; a garnish, a friend, an enhancement. A small touch, an addition.
January 2010
3 posts
Middle Class Venetian Blinds Salesman
my gosh these venetian blinds are of high class,
far too much for you without a monocle and moustache,
you see today i’m presenting the finest blinds in town
and unluckily for you, i’m turning you down
Nothing but questions about life, existence and...
Mac in a sack? Kag in a Bag? Cat in a Hat?
I just don’t know what I’m going to put the next thing in, but i know it’ll rhyme.
December 2009
2 posts
A few images you should think about. Just...
A recently tailored dinner jacket sifting through its local dirt in search of potentially discarded brie.
A glass of tizer just in the corner with nothing else around it.
A cat licking cream from a dish (not a bowl) in a very clean kitchen.
A group of about 5 rabbits all running in a single file line. A man crying tears of cream.
Someone head to toe in denim sitting on a dandelion stem.
...
my darling rose
Those who know me personally (and possibly intimately) will be aware of the bitter sweet love story of myself and my now ex-wife Rose. For the purposes of public education I feel it necessary to share this story with those who are unfamiliar with it.
I first met Rose in a hospital. I had had a kidney issue which for a long while meant i frequently urinated uncontrollably and had just come...
November 2009
1 post
May 2009
1 post
April 2009
4 posts
Weather man
He’s so colloquial. It’s just one bloke telling you the weather. Little rain here, few nice spots here, should be a good weekend. FUCKING HELL, get away you over-familiar bastard i’ve never met.
auto sexual →
Sometimes i think about the developing cornflabberties and social stigmas attached thereafter and their implications for the world and i end up crying myself to sleep. I roll over and try not to think about it, but this world is so harrowing not even my vast array of apparently friendly bears and plushes can offer any comfort or condolences to my already weather beaten psychiatric disposition....
Somalia →
I’ve sailed many a sea, Passed many a dying man, But all the time my polly was near, Sitting on my shoulder, Repeating every word i said, Eating all my crackers. You’ll never be able to answer the question of “why?” so it doesn’t matter really. I really hope i return to some kind of blog-writing form in the near future
Perfume by Chanel and clothes by Givenchy →
Campari. Last christmas I gave you my heart, my pride, my prejudice and some socks you didn’t like. This year to save me from tears, I’ll give them to someone gay. Iramcanistan. Turkmenistan. Cleveland. Celestial bond[age]. In a time of plentiful plentys, a plaintiff or porter persues paying for possessions, picking pieces which pay practically, or so it would seem. FLOAT DOWN...
March 2009
3 posts
“Hey, don’t be surprised,
If millions die in plague and murder,
True...”
– Neil Hannon - In Pursuit of Happiness
The social engineer and the social mechanic at the...
El presidente, take this, for it is your coffee mug. El presidente takes his coffee mug, sits back and relaxes. El presidente, is the coffee to your liking? El presidente turns and speaks. “This coffee is…well…some people like their coffee like this. I however…I am somewhat disappointed.” El presidente reclines further and thinks about his life, he understands he has...
You can get married in Gibraltor near Spain.
Are you fast and bulbous? Do you have an indoor cat? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, it’s possible that you may hold conversations with your cat.
Once I sat outside and started talking to a budgie. It didn’t say much, just pecked the floor and flew away.
At first I was offended. It was a budgie without the common decency or courtesy to say goodbye, but soon I came...
February 2009
1 post
Everything is better when I’m in the bath, the sun...
I must stress before you read this blog, this is neither biographical nor autobiography, the subject is fictional.
I’m a nice man, with a nice briefcase. I own 9 pairs of black socks and 2 pairs of white. I usually wear the white ones at the weekend. My wife bought me them, but she doesn’t say much. Remember when Ronan Keating said “You say it best when you say nothing at all?” Well that...
January 2009
1 post
titivation; the tell tale toffwatch tally chart....
The tally chart of a toffwatch isn’t something you see everyday, but I’d like to take this opportunity to help let you become acquainted with each other. Toffwatch’s tally charts are long and tall. They’re often presented as hyperbolic nerve capacities, specifically of a racist sort. Their racism isn’t their only controversial social viewpoint, they’re all for...
December 2008
4 posts
Karma Café
It’s Fair trade. It costs 10p more but that’s great value for you, you eco-friendly, organic, fair trade, self-righteous idiot. It only costs 10p more to become a local global hero. I hope you’re pleased with yourself, you’ve managed to single handedly save Africa, and you’re re-using your plastic bags. Then you’ll go back to your home, sit down, drink your...
The Corner Shop
The corner shop is such a rebel. It just destroys convention no matter how you look at it. I mean, a pie shop sells pies. A stationary shop, sells stationary. But what’s that, in the distance? A shop that sells corners? Wait, this can’t be right. You go in and it seems to sell everything you need; papers, confectionary and alcohol. Nothing in the way of linear bisections. It...
The Eccentric Teachings of Dr Kawashima and his...
Well, die-hard subscribers/fans will remember a blog on this subject from a while ago. It’s still true, I have no idea who he is, who his dog is (and how it can talk) or what he wanted to teach us in his eccentric manner. I think this part of my life will always be unfulfilled. It saddens me a bit, but it also gives me hope and I think we can all take hope from this blog (haha). Sure,...
Imagine no possessions, it's easy if you try
1st blog in a while. I hope it brightens your day/evening/night/whatever time you’re at right now. You could revisit this blog at another time so it could brighten a different period of your life, perhaps your mid-morning or maybe brunch. I could borrow some paper from YOU and draw on it and never give it back to you, that’s if you wanted, i don’t want to pressure you into any...
November 2008
2 posts
WORLD
Quote of the century
“The industrial way of life leads to the industrial way of death. From Shiloh to Dachau, from Antietam to Stalingrad, from Hiroshima to Vietnam and Afghanistan, the great specialty of industry and technology has been the mass production of human corpses.”
FUCK YOU
Life
Do your best with these “birth, maturity, renunciation, search, awakening and liberation, teaching, death”
October 2008
3 posts
I have created a tumblr.
This was easier than i thought it was, a matter of seconds. Well I’ll be posting things about my life and other bits i find interesting on the internet or elsewhere. I hope you enjoy my tumblr.
September 2008
1 post
Fish eye view, nothing to gain.
Once a gentlemen smoked a pipe, he was the envy of all those he was socially superior to. That situation has changed, the majority of people who do not smoke can claim some kind of moral high ground, they will however never be gentlemen. Never neglect the naivety of a nationalised northern nativity. Nevertheless newts named nick know nothing. If you look in the sea, you see yourself looking at...
August 2008
1 post
Online Bingo
FUCK OFF